Misread visual cues
Tonight I went to an AA meeting (Alcoholics Anonymous). I’ve been going to meetings since 2/1983, and continuously sober since 9/28/1983.
My hands are raw, and painful looking. Today I found a beauty supply store, and purchased wig caps, hair coverings, and white gloves. I was dressed for my comfort, not others. Sweater, brightly colored sneakers, huge scarf on my head and white gloves. I got to the meeting room early. A member was looking for the box with their books. He was stressed, hoped I’d know where their books were. I wasn’t much help..
At that point, I was wondering if this was a mistake. I was tired, and just wanted a bit of human contact. He commented on a “white glove inspection.” I wasn’t going to say anything, but looked so odd that I needed to say something. Eventually, before the meeting after we found the books, he asked how I was doing. And I told him. Plus I told him that I needed to find a positive way to answer the “How are you doing?” People don’t expect the honest of “Doing fairly bad today.”
I feel like such a downer. No one wants to be reminded that they can die anytime. No one wants to know their time here is limited. I’m that reminder. Bad things can happen. And I’m constantly talking about being sick, about dying. No one wants to hear that. I’ve scared my friends by talking about who gets what when I die. Now I need to just write down who gets what and keep going.
So at the meeting I got several clear messages. It doesn’t matter what others think. What I’m trying to say isn’t what others may hear. I’m trying to protect your eyes from my hideous hands, and you’re feeling judged.
As I was talking to a woman, the lady behind her was shaking her head, and looking at my disapprovingly. I got the intense feeling that she thought I was lying or… something. She was rather distracting because her head shaking was a movement that caught my eye frequently during my conversation with the other woman. Later during the meeting, I realized that she had a severe case of Parkinson’s. D’oh. I was assuming judgment when she was dealing with a medical condition. JUST LIKE ME.
My hands are raw, and painful looking. Today I found a beauty supply store, and purchased wig caps, hair coverings, and white gloves. I was dressed for my comfort, not others. Sweater, brightly colored sneakers, huge scarf on my head and white gloves. I got to the meeting room early. A member was looking for the box with their books. He was stressed, hoped I’d know where their books were. I wasn’t much help..
At that point, I was wondering if this was a mistake. I was tired, and just wanted a bit of human contact. He commented on a “white glove inspection.” I wasn’t going to say anything, but looked so odd that I needed to say something. Eventually, before the meeting after we found the books, he asked how I was doing. And I told him. Plus I told him that I needed to find a positive way to answer the “How are you doing?” People don’t expect the honest of “Doing fairly bad today.”
I feel like such a downer. No one wants to be reminded that they can die anytime. No one wants to know their time here is limited. I’m that reminder. Bad things can happen. And I’m constantly talking about being sick, about dying. No one wants to hear that. I’ve scared my friends by talking about who gets what when I die. Now I need to just write down who gets what and keep going.
So at the meeting I got several clear messages. It doesn’t matter what others think. What I’m trying to say isn’t what others may hear. I’m trying to protect your eyes from my hideous hands, and you’re feeling judged.
As I was talking to a woman, the lady behind her was shaking her head, and looking at my disapprovingly. I got the intense feeling that she thought I was lying or… something. She was rather distracting because her head shaking was a movement that caught my eye frequently during my conversation with the other woman. Later during the meeting, I realized that she had a severe case of Parkinson’s. D’oh. I was assuming judgment when she was dealing with a medical condition. JUST LIKE ME.
Wow. Last paragraph did not go where I expected. (And sorry if this sounds like I'm reading this like a story rather than like something that really happened to you.) It *is* distracting when cues can be misread so easily. *gentle hugs*
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